Sounds like I'm losing it? Nope, I hope not. (Even as I type this, it sounds like I need my brain examined.)
My brain has been through some trauma this year and this is an effect. It is protecting itself from emotional and physical overload. It is a real mechanism for healing. It stinks, but it is what it is.
I have had to make too many decisions this year. It has been almost a year since my 46 year old husband was in a car accident and died. We were both in our 40's and have three children. He was my best friend and fiercest supporter. Our family lost so much with his passing.
So many heart breaking decisions had to be made right away. (Think about planning a service and burial- lots of decisions.) Angels, here and on the other side, have been with us as I look back. I am so grateful we made it this far. In talking about the upcoming anniversary of the accident, I asked the kids what they thought we should do. Our 18 year old son, Cole, said, "We should celebrate how well we've done." I LOVE that.
We haven't done well alone. We have been surrounded with blessings and kindness. My mom and some other family members kept track of paperwork while I worked on getting a handle of things. I am so grateful for my team. It took a team to keep me going. I wish I didn't need a whole team, but I did. I am so grateful for them.
Different people took different roles. Cousin Lori made appointments and helped with calls. Sue and my mom manned the door and visitors. I was introducing Shawn's cousin, Leslie, to my cousin, Lori and they reminded me that they had been doing our laundry together. Cousins Jamie, Leslie, and Lori along with Uncle Gary, Sue, and my parents did the heavy lifting of so many hard things I couldn't do for myself. Gary and my parents helped for months while I worked to take things on myself.
The community pulled together and our church family helped pull off a service that was more than what I'd hoped for. The service was held one week after Shawn passed. It was meaningful, personal, and one hour long. Kind friends took care of details like an amazing video, the fanciest tissue station ever, and a family luncheon complete with mini bundt cakes.
My sweet college roommate, Kate, came to help me a couple of months after Shawn's passing. I had lists everywhere and was struggling to keep things straight. She helped me get organized with a planner so all of my lists were in a bound little notebook in my purse (with a beautiful cover.) This simple spiral book was a huge help. Going old school.
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| Target has really cute planners! |
In all of this, there have been great challenges. Not only did we have the great loss of losing Shawn, but other challenges came quickly. The car broke (fix, not fix, fix again, new car, what kind of car, how much should I spend...) and then the house flooded. This ALL happened in less than three months. I couldn't decide what to eat and now I was having to pick out a car, contractor, new flooring, cabinets, counter tops, a backsplash, etc. Well, I couldn't do it. I literally wasn't capable of doing it. I was so fortunate that my mom and sister stepped in to help guide the construction on the house. My sister flew down to handle things and took calls from a few states away to oversee the restoration. She flew down when we moved back home four months after the flood. She and my mom even decorated the house for Christmas.
Now, almost a year later, we look back gratefully. Grateful we have each other, grateful families are forever, grateful Tyler made it home (that's another big story), grateful we laugh and have fun, and grateful we had Shawn. So, I have a bit of a foggy brain when it comes to word retrieval? My brain has been working hard and hopefully we can continue healing and the words will come.